I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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