And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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