You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
