I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
