I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
