the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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