Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
