a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
