i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
