Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
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