apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
