A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
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He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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