Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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