I accidentally had phone sex last night
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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