I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
