I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
