Apparently you make a good broom.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
