i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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