i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
