I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
