mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
