Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
