I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
