no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
