Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
