I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
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You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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