Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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