To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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