we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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