Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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