not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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