I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
