so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
