I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
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Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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