the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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