i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
