i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
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Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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