Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
