Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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