Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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