your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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