i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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