oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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