Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need to sanitize my soul.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
