Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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