If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
