I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
