Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
