If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
