I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
