I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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