Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
