She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize