Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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