got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
