Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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